Jokes, Gossip and News

These are the latest jokes that have been e-mailed to us, each month we give a free CD to the sender of the best joke.

Joke of the week

Q. Did you hear about the new blonde paint?
A. It's not real bright, but it's cheap, and spreads easy.
-Anonymous

Picture of the week

How do you know when the wife is taking too many steroids? You come home one evening, she strips you, throws you on the couch and fucks you up the asshole with her clitoris!

September 22, 2003
"Relationships Before And After"

Before she moves in, she wears teddies and suspenders, and you hold your farts in until she leaves the room; she's a gorgeous sex kitten and you tell her so; you're so sweet and adorable, and blowjobs follow ambient dinners like a fine port.

After she moves in, she farts in her grungy trackie bottoms while hypnotized by Coronation Street; you scratch your nuts unashamedly and bitch about work; oral sex is strictly quid pro quo and the new girl in the office really does have a great ass. Here are the key indicators of when the honeymoon period has finished.

1. Addictions
Before: You tell her you don't mind the occasional cold beer on a hot day with your mates, and that you've taken recreational drugs but those days are well and truly over.

After: For the fifth night in a row you stagger in blotto, dig out your stash and mull up, pass out in the lounge in your underpants and expect her to accept that you're just being you.

2. Bodily functions
Before: You spray aerosol after a crap; piss on the side of the bowl to reduce noise and never, ever fart in her presence.

After: You fart in front of her with impunity and obvious pride, commenting on the food intake for the day and speculating on the resultant odor. Despite repeated pleas to the contrary, you fart in bed and hold her head under the covers. You think it's hilarious.

3. Relations/Friends
Before: Her auntie Jane is a real character with a lively personality and interesting views about politics, and her unemployed girlfriend Amanda is a genuine, charming supportive friend who you think is really nice.

After: Auntie Jane is a loud-mouthed, pain-in-the-ass with all the personality of a cold sore. Amanda is a manipulative loser, but you wouldn't mind doing her if the opportunity arose.

4. Sex
Before: Sex is a sweat-soaked, gymnastic romp that lasts for hours. You screw to impress, using all your tricks - your renowned tit grope, marathon oral sex sessions, and jackhammer-like screwing. Screwing four times a day is not uncommon.

After: A wank is often preferable to the effort of sex. When you do have sex, you think about Amanda.

5. Attention span
Before: Her words are hypnotic; her wit is incisive; her anecdotes about her life pre-you are spellbinding. Over candlelight and coffee you listen with interest and politely chortle as she recounts stories of her childhood.

After: Your eyes glaze over as soon as she mentions anything that doesn't involve you. What's more, you develop the uncanny ability to be able to concentrate on the T.V and listen to her at the same time. The phrase, "Are you listening to me?" becomes an evening mantra. Overall Evaluation

6. What She Thinks
Before: She thinks you are witty, disciplined, a sexual athlete, attentive, loving, faithful and devoid of all crass male habits which have plagued her previous relationships .....but she suspects that you're full of shit.

After: She KNOWS you're full of shit!!

Remember to check out the Gossip and Music Biz lies down below [ooer missus].

Gossip 'n' news

Letter of the month

I’m a bit worried about your web site as you seem to be falling behind the times. I check out all new web sites and even some well established ones [with new names or re-vamped] but your site is the only one that doesn’t have pages full of tits and freaks out of their nuts on drugs.

Nor do we have page after page informing us indie kids about the best drugs to get or where to buy the latest designer clothes, the best in shinny shirts or rubber trousers make-up, florescent hair dye, toy creatures or even more drugs.

This is very worrying as I have checked out your site for a number of years but feel that your losing it as all your content seems to be about the latest bands, new review, radio plays and the like. Who really cares about music these days when other sites have pages full of tits, drugs and freeeeeeeeeeeeeeks.

Get with it 25, it is the new millennium you know. More tits and drugs please - music is so out of date.

Lee, London

Lies lies and more lies

The booking is definite
Your check's in the mail
We can fix it in the mix
This is the best dope you've ever had
The show starts at 8
My agent will take care of it
I'm sure it will work
Your tickets are at the door
It sounds in tune to me
Sure, it sounds fine at the back of the hall
I know your mic is on I checked it myself
The roadie took care of it
She'll be backstage after the show
Yes, the spotlight was on you during your solo
The stage mix sounds just like the program mix
It's the hottest pickup I could get
The club will provide the PA and lights
I really love the band
We'll have it ready by tonight
We'll have lunch sometime
If it breaks, we'll fix it for free
We'll let you know
I had nothing to do with your marriage breaking up. It was on the rocks
long before I ever met you
The place was packed
We'll have you back next week
Don't worry, you'll be the headliner
It's on the truck
My last band had a record deal, but we broke up before recording the album
Someone will be there early to let you in
I've only been playing for a year
I've been playing for 20 years
We'll have flyers printed tomorrow
I'm with the band
The band drinks free
You'll get your cut tonight
We'll supply someone for the door
You'll have no problem fitting that bass cabinet in the trunk of your car
There'll be lots of roadies when you get there
It's totally compatible with your current program
You'll have plenty of time for a soundcheck
This is one of Jimi's old Strats
We'll definitely come to the gig
You can depend on me

Late one night a woman was walking home when a man grabbed her and dragged her into the bushes. "Help me! Help me!" she screamed. "I'm being robbed!" "You ain't being robbed" her attacker interrupted. "You're being screwed!" The woman looked down at her attacker as he unzipped his jeans. "If you're screwing me with that," she fumed, "I am being robbed!"

How can you tell if your wife has died? Sex is still the same, but the dishes keep piling up in the sink.

A couple is making out in a secluded spot in the middle of the night, and after a bit, the girl sighs, "I wish you had a flashlight." "Why?" he asks. She replies, "Because you've been eating grass for fifteen minutes." What happened to the blonde ice hockey team? They drowned in Spring training.

Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio? It took her a month to realize she could play it at night.

Q. What's the difference between you dick and your paycheck? A. You never have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!

What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead attorney in the road? There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Q: What is the definition of confusion? A: Seven blind lesbians in a fish market.

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